A Blog about life and living through my life experience and perspective. I am a writer, singer/songwriter childhood savant musician...Trying to find my niche and stake my place in society...
This has a new vibe for me. I think I’ll dedicate this to my father Bobby… his family was from Muskogee, Oklahoma. He however, was born in Bakersfield, CA.
The lyrics fit well… Although I didn’t write the lyrics, I have always been drawn to them! Now, it makes sense to me.
I hope that wherever he is in the afterlife, he knows that I now know of him! I also hope to be able to meet him when my time on earth is done here. I’m thinking maybe he didn’t even know of me?
Meanwhile I have plenty of bucket list dreams to conquer and achieve…
To take a look and walk away Isn’t a stand, man To speak the words that everyone’s heard Isn’t the way, man- Everybody knows, All things must come and go but You know like I know that Everything’s gonna be alright People just come and go They don’t know what’s right Till they’re gone. Your sun will rise and set today Just don’t you worry And everything will come your way Just don’t you hurry- Take a little time And find you some peace of mind then You’ll know like I know that Everything’s gonna be alright People just come and go They don’t know what’s right Till they’re gone
Filling my days and nights with domesticity. Not that it is appreciated. You know the saying, no good deed goes unpunished? People pleasing doesn’t serve me well here! Neither do old notions, and family dynamics. Living with an angry person for many years, takes a toll. I could never have imagined how difficult marriage could be… I’ve reached a point within myself that I realize that I’m not able to succeed in this job. It’s a losing proposition. You can’t change people. They are who they want to be. When they impose their anger on you for the most ridiculous things, it’s time to do something else! I didn’t sign up for being a punching bag. Verbal or physical, it doesn’t matter, I’m out! I’ve been out for a long time. I removed myself in spirit, long ago! I’ve held up my obligations to the family and it’s been an all consuming job. I’ve done the best that I can. I get up every day and I say, “I’m going to do the best that I can with this day!” I can hear Dr. Phil say, “How’s that working for ya?”
I got that off of my chest. I wrote this song some years ago, and I’m still sitting in the same vantage point.
My daughter moved into her first apartment. She and 3 of her besties. She is starting her sophomore year at ASU. I’m hoping for the best for her as it is a lot of responsibility for all of these kids! She has resumed her job working at a campus Starbucks. She will be busy this year!
My furniture has blankets on it because my border collie jumps on it lol. Her nails could rip the heck out of it. I love fall colors! I decorate for all of the seasons but I think fall, is my favorite.My cat boy loves to watch me craft. He is great company ❤️! For my dining room table.Pumpkin Pie is one of my favorite pies to make. I am a pumpkin spice lover. The colors and flavors of fall make me smile!
What would the notion of fall be without Pumpkin Pie? So, I made one. We have had a real monsoon season here in Phoenix this summer! A lot of storms and rain. I’m glad for all of this weather. I have enjoyed the thunder storms!
Degrees of relativity matter in DNA matching. Im finding that a great deal of detective work also goes into this science. My genealogist found the family I was in but first placed me with the older generation of them. So I was looking for my father in the wrong generation. I did finally find my biological father for sure! I’ve had a lot of help from two different genealogy experts. Their were enough people that had AncestryDNA tested in the two generations that I was able to pinpoint exactly who my Dad was.
My sister found the smoking gun through old newspaper clippings of mothers time in the Roseville Civic Theater. In the early 60’s, Mom was having the time of her life. She wrote musicals, acting, directing and designing sets. Fortunately, it wasn’t hard to pull the bits and pieces together… My bio father and my Mom co-directed and were heavily involved in the Roseville Civic Theater. Many productions together working side by side for years…He was 10 years younger than my Mom. He was 28 when I was born.
I wonder if he ever knew about me? He never had children and I was his only … Would he have wanted to know me? I sure inherited his curls…
The picture below really got me! It was the first picture that I saw of him. Here is a year book picture of my father Bobby… I saw so much of myself in him it made me cry! It was like looking in the mirror. It really was an uncanny mind blowing feeling to see the resemblance… I instantly felt as if I had really missed out on knowing him.
This is a pretty recent pic of me…Maybe you can’t see a resemblance? But I know it’s there! I have other pictures of myself that might be a closer resemblance but oh my goodness his image hit home!
What still resonates with me is how DNA can effect your life. Now, I know that both sides of my DNA were performers! They loved theater and performing. I now fully understand my musical side and my desire to perform. I’ve had a small, humble YouTube Channel for the past 8 years. My DNA match also explains why I’m not a shy person. I can talk to anyone about nearly everything. I’ve never been afraid to interview for a job. I always thought of it as just a conversation…
By the way, here is the link to my channel- Please stop by and say hi! Subscribe while you’re there, I appreciate your support.
Along this journey, I have found a whole gambit of emotions and nice people! It has been my full time job the past 2 or more weeks. I’ve been seeking out cousins and have talked to several of them. All but one of the conversations I have had, have been wonderful. I have learned so much about the family and the rich Native American History I am a part of. Everyone I have talked to is very happy and full of pride regarding our Native American ancestry. They have all encouraged me to join the tribe!
Unfortunately, the closest living person I could find to my dad was his wife’s niece. She at first seemed to be interested in our association. I’ve got to tell you that my vantage point in all of this, has been a humbling experience. I most assuredly came from a mistake/ error in judgment! I know this, my mother was married to the man I grew up calling Dad! So right away, I realized that it was going to be humbling at best to approach people and seek information. Talk about a vulnerable position?! Omg the humbling that comes from this kind of secret revelation is painful and daunting. The only reason I have persued this quest for info…I really wanted to know my father! It means a lot to me! All the information I can get about this man makes me understand myself a little more. How I grew up and the secrets that were kept explain a lot about my childhood and my mothers resentment toward me. She had to know I was Bobby’s child, I looked just like him! Maybe that is why she was lost in a bottle all through my childhood…
Anyway, my last exchange with this niece of my Dads wife, was the most telling and humbling of all. Agonizing to me actually. Brutal comes to mind… She treated me as if I were coming after his estate. She gave me some information but made it clear that she wanted no association with me. She didn’t even want to know my name. She kept saying “well I suppose you deserve to know that”, with a condescending and extremely dismissive tone and demeanor. Early on in the conversation she flat out said “their are no assets to be had here”. Omg I was so insulted at that inference ! I think I chuckled and informed her that I was looking for pictures and possibly some information about who he was as a person. But inside, I was crushed. She made sure to insult me and put me in my place a few more times during the curt, but informative exchange. At one time I tried to tell her that I think it’s interesting how DNA seems to carry over in hobbies and interests. I explained that I have a uncanny ability to play the piano without ever learning how to read music. She interrupted me with, “well they didn’t own a piano soooo no piano in their house to have”…omg I was floored by her assumptions and attitude!
My last question of her was about how he died. I wanted to know that for my own damn medical history! She said well, “I suppose you have a right to know that”. With such condescension she added “ Now that you have some information, it dead ends with me she said “ “They are dead and that’s too bad but it ends here ,with me” … I thanked her for her time and that was how we ended our chat. Awful!!! I kind of see where she might be coming from but did she have to be so cruel?? Horrid and left me a bit heartbroken. The harsh reality is though, that I really am at the end of my search. He had no other children I was the only….
I’m left feeling sad and like I have really missed out on knowing my father. I missed out! He may not of cared to know me but, I would have wanted to know him. He died at the young age of 67. He died on the very day that my youngest daughter was born! This, is her birthdate! I would have been miserably sad had I actually known him then. It was hard enough that I had just lost my Mom 2 months prior to his passing.
I’ve learned a lot about my Grandmother and Great Grandmother and their history. A lot of this has been a great American history lesson. I found out that the famous Cherokee Chief, John Ross, is my 5th generation grandfather!
Following in the footsteps of my descendants and ancestors, I will register with the tribe. That is my right, and a real privilege that I will take away from this staggering life experience. I will embrace this colorful history and revelation on my walk upon this earth. I may spend a day at the Rocklin Cemetery where so many of my relatives are buried. I’d like to visit the gravesites of this family I never got to know. I sure have heard a lot of wonderful things about my Grandmother Fay and my Great Grandmother Osa Ross Aday. Being a Gram myself of 8 grandkids, I can only hope to be remembered with such adoration ❤️. The love these cousins I talked to had for these two women, was absolutely heart warming!
I would so have enjoyed getting to know her. What a treasure she was! So loved! A grand pioneer! A Native American woman who married Luis Aday and had nine children! What a hard working woman who helped with raising some of her grandchildren. She was beloved by many. The matriarch who gave the family rich history, a lot of love and, her all! I’ve enjoyed learning about her immensely.
I’ll end this post with a link to a cover that means even more to me now. It probably sums up best this experience for me. So much loss and a really deep sadness have come from this as well. I’ve shed more tears over this. That is why I’m rather glad to be at the end of this journey.., I have so many questions I’ll never know the answers to! So many emotions that I’ll take to my grave about this one day… So vulnerable and so raw this experience… Ive been humbled to my core in all of this. It’s time to let go of the obsession and intense seeking. Thanks for taking the time to read my Blog! Leave me a message, please be kind.
I had a lot of fun working on this the past few days. It’s still a work in progress… I guess I always thought that this would be a rather quick cover. It was more of a challenge to attempt then I thought. It was full of nuances that just seemed more intricate than I had imagined that it would be! Interesting timing issues, coordination and a different way of playing! Every Roger Hodgson cover that I attempt, makes me appreciate this gifted creator immensely! I love the music of Roger Hodgson more and more with every attempt at a decent cover… This one, may have some fine tuning to come…
I incorporated a vocal version here. Although, I’m not sure it’s something I should have kept lol. I guess the point in trying, was just to feel as if I could? Heartfelt but too vulnerable…
This is my possible biological dad. A very old pic of him. This was sent to me by my possible niece or 2nd cousin… If this was indeed my father, how handsome he was!!! He could be my Uncle but I am awaiting DNA test results of this mans daughter to match us as either 1st cousins, or half sisters!
I enjoyed a mini vacay with my grown girls and all 8 of my G-Kids! This is the first time I have gone on a vacation with my grown kids. It was a wonderful experience and I hope to do this again! San Diego was crazy busy with tourists. I’m not sure that I need to go there again anytime soon. Where we stayed was an interesting experience… Plenty of homeless people lurking about. All over the streets and perched like birds on every possible wall of dirt. The homeless population in California is so sad to me as I’m from California. I understand how it happens, especially there with the economy. I’m still wondering how people can afford to live comfortably there! I’d go back there to live if I could afford to. The weather is ideal❤️.
The condo accommodation was adequate and quite charming!We rented a small condo. To our surprise, it was nicer than we thought it would be! The kids brought sleeping bags and air mattresses and it worked out well! The condo itself, was perfect for our lively bunch.We spent a whole day at Coronado beach. I love the gold sparkle of the sand there. It was mid week and totally bustling with people and naval aircraft flying overhead. Many planes came into and flew out of the naval base. We Arizonans were grateful for a reprieve from scorching summer temperatures!Kadee and Amelia enjoyed every min of jumping and frolicking in the great pacific!Delcee and Kole. He didn’t like the ocean much… lol maybe next time? I can’t believe how these boys have grown, they tower over my 5ft.5in. frame! All will be high school in the fall. The oldest being a sophomore! Where has the time gone? Sand castle fun!Playing in the sand… boys will be boysThank goodness for the tent and umbrella. I was able to escape from the rays. I spent a lot of time with baby, Kole. He and I were the only luck ones to escape getting sunburned. Everyone else were lobster red. Even though they reapplied sunscreen 3 different times.This was taken at Sea Port Village. We had dinner at a restaurant overlooking the beach… it was a beautiful ocean excursion and sunset…San Diego was a nice needed diversion from the stress and funk I found myself in before we left.
On a side note, I found a group called Search Squad. It’s a Facebook group of investigators and genealogists that help people like me, find their families. They use your dna matches to find your relatives.
I found the family that my bio father belonged to. In that family, their were 5 boys. We have ruled out two of them, who are my uncles… All of the 5 are long ago, deceased. I may have a half brother living who is 82… I reached out to my 1st cousin on that side, she is 84. Her son helped in aiding the conversation on the phone since she is hard of hearing… It is sad finding out so late in my life. Anyone who could have been potentially close to me, is gone… I do however, probably have enough information now that I can let it go. I have names of my grandparents. I’m sure of any of them, I would have liked to have known her. She died when I was 3 years old. I wouldn’t have remembered her had I grown up in that family! Still, I would like to see some pictures of the family. My 2nd cousin on that side of the family said he would scan and send some pictures to me. It was a nice conversation. I was glad that they were excepting of the intrusion. Everyone is gone that I could ask any questions…
Happy July! June definitely will look better in the rear view mirror. Hope you are enjoying some fun summer activities. Most of the country has been enduring an oppressive heatwave! Crazy right? Stay cool and make lemonade!
Looking forward to a small getaway with my grown girls and the kids. San Diego here we come! Leaving next Tuesday for just a couple of days. Love hanging at the beach . I haven’t been on vacay with just my grown girls, ever! Amelia will enjoy much appreciated time with all of her cousins as well.
I took a few minutes (maybe a few hours), to tickle the ivories! Love every darn minute that I get to spend with my keyboard! Here in the SoundCloud links from my session…
