A Blog about life and living through my life experience and perspective. I am a writer, singer/songwriter childhood savant musician...Trying to find my niche and stake my place in society...
This has a new vibe for me. I think I’ll dedicate this to my father Bobby… his family was from Muskogee, Oklahoma. He however, was born in Bakersfield, CA.
The lyrics fit well… Although I didn’t write the lyrics, I have always been drawn to them! Now, it makes sense to me.
I hope that wherever he is in the afterlife, he knows that I now know of him! I also hope to be able to meet him when my time on earth is done here. I’m thinking maybe he didn’t even know of me?
Meanwhile I have plenty of bucket list dreams to conquer and achieve…
To take a look and walk away Isn’t a stand, man To speak the words that everyone’s heard Isn’t the way, man- Everybody knows, All things must come and go but You know like I know that Everything’s gonna be alright People just come and go They don’t know what’s right Till they’re gone. Your sun will rise and set today Just don’t you worry And everything will come your way Just don’t you hurry- Take a little time And find you some peace of mind then You’ll know like I know that Everything’s gonna be alright People just come and go They don’t know what’s right Till they’re gone
Filling my days and nights with domesticity. Not that it is appreciated. You know the saying, no good deed goes unpunished? People pleasing doesn’t serve me well here! Neither do old notions, and family dynamics. Living with an angry person for many years, takes a toll. I could never have imagined how difficult marriage could be… I’ve reached a point within myself that I realize that I’m not able to succeed in this job. It’s a losing proposition. You can’t change people. They are who they want to be. When they impose their anger on you for the most ridiculous things, it’s time to do something else! I didn’t sign up for being a punching bag. Verbal or physical, it doesn’t matter, I’m out! I’ve been out for a long time. I removed myself in spirit, long ago! I’ve held up my obligations to the family and it’s been an all consuming job. I’ve done the best that I can. I get up every day and I say, “I’m going to do the best that I can with this day!” I can hear Dr. Phil say, “How’s that working for ya?”
I got that off of my chest. I wrote this song some years ago, and I’m still sitting in the same vantage point.
My daughter moved into her first apartment. She and 3 of her besties. She is starting her sophomore year at ASU. I’m hoping for the best for her as it is a lot of responsibility for all of these kids! She has resumed her job working at a campus Starbucks. She will be busy this year!
My furniture has blankets on it because my border collie jumps on it lol. Her nails could rip the heck out of it. I love fall colors! I decorate for all of the seasons but I think fall, is my favorite.My cat boy loves to watch me craft. He is great company ❤️! For my dining room table.Pumpkin Pie is one of my favorite pies to make. I am a pumpkin spice lover. The colors and flavors of fall make me smile!
What would the notion of fall be without Pumpkin Pie? So, I made one. We have had a real monsoon season here in Phoenix this summer! A lot of storms and rain. I’m glad for all of this weather. I have enjoyed the thunder storms!
Degrees of relativity matter in DNA matching. Im finding that a great deal of detective work also goes into this science. My genealogist found the family I was in but first placed me with the older generation of them. So I was looking for my father in the wrong generation. I did finally find my biological father for sure! I’ve had a lot of help from two different genealogy experts. Their were enough people that had AncestryDNA tested in the two generations that I was able to pinpoint exactly who my Dad was.
My sister found the smoking gun through old newspaper clippings of mothers time in the Roseville Civic Theater. In the early 60’s, Mom was having the time of her life. She wrote musicals, acting, directing and designing sets. Fortunately, it wasn’t hard to pull the bits and pieces together… My bio father and my Mom co-directed and were heavily involved in the Roseville Civic Theater. Many productions together working side by side for years…He was 10 years younger than my Mom. He was 28 when I was born.
I wonder if he ever knew about me? He never had children and I was his only … Would he have wanted to know me? I sure inherited his curls…
The picture below really got me! It was the first picture that I saw of him. Here is a year book picture of my father Bobby… I saw so much of myself in him it made me cry! It was like looking in the mirror. It really was an uncanny mind blowing feeling to see the resemblance… I instantly felt as if I had really missed out on knowing him.
This is a pretty recent pic of me…Maybe you can’t see a resemblance? But I know it’s there! I have other pictures of myself that might be a closer resemblance but oh my goodness his image hit home!
What still resonates with me is how DNA can effect your life. Now, I know that both sides of my DNA were performers! They loved theater and performing. I now fully understand my musical side and my desire to perform. I’ve had a small, humble YouTube Channel for the past 8 years. My DNA match also explains why I’m not a shy person. I can talk to anyone about nearly everything. I’ve never been afraid to interview for a job. I always thought of it as just a conversation…
By the way, here is the link to my channel- Please stop by and say hi! Subscribe while you’re there, I appreciate your support.
Along this journey, I have found a whole gambit of emotions and nice people! It has been my full time job the past 2 or more weeks. I’ve been seeking out cousins and have talked to several of them. All but one of the conversations I have had, have been wonderful. I have learned so much about the family and the rich Native American History I am a part of. Everyone I have talked to is very happy and full of pride regarding our Native American ancestry. They have all encouraged me to join the tribe!
Unfortunately, the closest living person I could find to my dad was his wife’s niece. She at first seemed to be interested in our association. I’ve got to tell you that my vantage point in all of this, has been a humbling experience. I most assuredly came from a mistake/ error in judgment! I know this, my mother was married to the man I grew up calling Dad! So right away, I realized that it was going to be humbling at best to approach people and seek information. Talk about a vulnerable position?! Omg the humbling that comes from this kind of secret revelation is painful and daunting. The only reason I have persued this quest for info…I really wanted to know my father! It means a lot to me! All the information I can get about this man makes me understand myself a little more. How I grew up and the secrets that were kept explain a lot about my childhood and my mothers resentment toward me. She had to know I was Bobby’s child, I looked just like him! Maybe that is why she was lost in a bottle all through my childhood…
Anyway, my last exchange with this niece of my Dads wife, was the most telling and humbling of all. Agonizing to me actually. Brutal comes to mind… She treated me as if I were coming after his estate. She gave me some information but made it clear that she wanted no association with me. She didn’t even want to know my name. She kept saying “well I suppose you deserve to know that”, with a condescending and extremely dismissive tone and demeanor. Early on in the conversation she flat out said “their are no assets to be had here”. Omg I was so insulted at that inference ! I think I chuckled and informed her that I was looking for pictures and possibly some information about who he was as a person. But inside, I was crushed. She made sure to insult me and put me in my place a few more times during the curt, but informative exchange. At one time I tried to tell her that I think it’s interesting how DNA seems to carry over in hobbies and interests. I explained that I have a uncanny ability to play the piano without ever learning how to read music. She interrupted me with, “well they didn’t own a piano soooo no piano in their house to have”…omg I was floored by her assumptions and attitude!
My last question of her was about how he died. I wanted to know that for my own damn medical history! She said well, “I suppose you have a right to know that”. With such condescension she added “ Now that you have some information, it dead ends with me she said “ “They are dead and that’s too bad but it ends here ,with me” … I thanked her for her time and that was how we ended our chat. Awful!!! I kind of see where she might be coming from but did she have to be so cruel?? Horrid and left me a bit heartbroken. The harsh reality is though, that I really am at the end of my search. He had no other children I was the only….
I’m left feeling sad and like I have really missed out on knowing my father. I missed out! He may not of cared to know me but, I would have wanted to know him. He died at the young age of 67. He died on the very day that my youngest daughter was born! This, is her birthdate! I would have been miserably sad had I actually known him then. It was hard enough that I had just lost my Mom 2 months prior to his passing.
I’ve learned a lot about my Grandmother and Great Grandmother and their history. A lot of this has been a great American history lesson. I found out that the famous Cherokee Chief, John Ross, is my 5th generation grandfather!
Following in the footsteps of my descendants and ancestors, I will register with the tribe. That is my right, and a real privilege that I will take away from this staggering life experience. I will embrace this colorful history and revelation on my walk upon this earth. I may spend a day at the Rocklin Cemetery where so many of my relatives are buried. I’d like to visit the gravesites of this family I never got to know. I sure have heard a lot of wonderful things about my Grandmother Fay and my Great Grandmother Osa Ross Aday. Being a Gram myself of 8 grandkids, I can only hope to be remembered with such adoration ❤️. The love these cousins I talked to had for these two women, was absolutely heart warming!
I would so have enjoyed getting to know her. What a treasure she was! So loved! A grand pioneer! A Native American woman who married Luis Aday and had nine children! What a hard working woman who helped with raising some of her grandchildren. She was beloved by many. The matriarch who gave the family rich history, a lot of love and, her all! I’ve enjoyed learning about her immensely.
I’ll end this post with a link to a cover that means even more to me now. It probably sums up best this experience for me. So much loss and a really deep sadness have come from this as well. I’ve shed more tears over this. That is why I’m rather glad to be at the end of this journey.., I have so many questions I’ll never know the answers to! So many emotions that I’ll take to my grave about this one day… So vulnerable and so raw this experience… Ive been humbled to my core in all of this. It’s time to let go of the obsession and intense seeking. Thanks for taking the time to read my Blog! Leave me a message, please be kind.
