A Blog about life and living through my life experience and perspective. I am a writer, singer/songwriter childhood savant musician...Trying to find my niche and stake my place in society...
This has been the hardest personal time in my life. I’d be lying if I tried to sugar coat it. A harder mind, body and spirit challenge I’ve never encountered.
My world literally tilted on its axis. I woke up in the middle of the night and extreme vertigo hit me. I got up out of bed and realized I could barely navigate the room. I got very anxious when I couldn’t clear my head. I felt so horrible that I decided I’d better get checked out. I was concerned maybe I was having a stroke. I have been very healthy. I try to take care of myself and I’m an avid walker. I do a ton of yard work and I’m not a person who drinks or takes medication. My lab work suggests I’m in good health, they came back fine.
My world has been turned upside down since waking up with this affliction 8 weeks ago now. My hearing has been effected and I have a constant buzzing in my ears. My ears feel fluid filled and horrible. The vibration from walking and talking, even chewing is obnoxious. I’m constantly dizzy and if I lay down or move my head too quickly my head spins. I haven’t had a moment of total peace for 8 weeks. I feel as if I’ve been stuck in my head and unable to enjoy anything or anyone for a very long time. I couldn’t drive. I couldn’t even open my eyes the first few days to navigate my phone. It’s been like a prison being stuck like this.
I’ve had two primary PA’s. A uncaring and expensive Ear Nose and Throat Dr. who just wanted me to take expensive tests. I even had a complete eye exam. I’ve done labs, an MRI, a cat scan and hearing tests… I took two different antibiotics and am currently taking a third. I’ve lost my patience with my dizzy, buzzy head. My symptoms are so strange. Headache in my eyes, numbness in my forehead and sinus cavities. Strange! Anyway, the sensations keep me from being comfortable and from being able to sleep well. I long for an end to this strange affliction. I can’t wait to feel normal and good again. Even with my health issue I have kept up with everything…. House, yard, groceries and cooking. I’ve even been walking in spite of my dizzy head… I’ve been driving surface streets, but not on the freeway. I’m not sure the dizziness won’t be overwhelming at higher speeds. Somehow my eyes are partly involved with this illness. Not a typical sinus infection!
It would be so wonderful if this latest antibiotic would just wipe out this mystery illness. I’d do a dance of joy in the street!
Living this extremely helpless and limited life is really tough. I am independent and not good at having to be dependent on people for rides. I’ve really been humbled yet again by this nightmare health dilemma. It also shows me how absolutely ridiculous my marriage is. That’s been the most humbling of all. Being sick and vulnerable in a bad marriage is the most frightening eye opener! When you are married to someone who really doesn’t have any compassion or love for you, it’s really the hardest thing. To have to be vulnerable, where you don’t feel that you can, is the worst. To be blamed for being sick and made to feel as if you are a burden. I hate it! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought, “I don’t feel like I can get well being here”. Is this how I want to grow old?! This is the first time in my 20+ marriage that I’ve ever been sick longer than a few days… This has really been a revelation type of experience.
I’m doing my best to try to stay positive. Getting seen by a Drs has been made much more difficult by Covid. I have to schedule appointments way in advance which in my predicament seems hard to fathom. I just can’t bare the idea that I’m going to get stuck like this till??? How am I ever going to figure this out? What the hell happened to me? I want my life back!
The Heartache Of DNA Test Results Something To Consider
If you have read my blog lately then you know about the heart aching experience I’ve been trying to navigate through. I recently did an AncestryDNA test and I received the shock of a lifetime! I decided to share my experience in a Vlog post on YouTube. Here is the link!
I wish I would have thought more about what my test result could be to my life. I have only heard about all the wonderful stories and outcomes… I really thought I’d only find out more about my heritage and lineage…My descendants, and the countries they were from… I had no idea the can of worms that I’d open and the subsequent shocking revelations to come. I had no reason at all to think that I would find my life to have been born of deceit and deception!
I took a whole 2 days in a row to practice and put together 6 new YouTube videos for my channel. It’s fun to be a creator although I haven’t hit their strict metrics for any opportunityto monetize my channel. I haven’t appreciated the fact that although I get many views per month, I haven’t been found eligible to prosper on YouTube. Anyway, it was a terrific feeling to be back to playing and being authentic me!
Here are the new video links to be found on my YouTube channel…
It really was a wonderful spirit filled day yesterday!
Yesterday was spirit day at school for this one…For recognition of the 20th anniversary of the 9/11 tragedies. It’s hard to believe that it has been this long. What a horrible day for all who were alive during this time! Awwww my condolences for all of those who were lost and, for the people that miss them. A moment in history that we will never forget!
Greetings from Phoenix AZ. It’s still pretty warm but we are getting through a more mild summer here. We had a really productive monsoon season and that has helped to keep the valley cooler than in many years I recall here.
I have done a lot of walking and chasing my tail this week. With headphones on, listening to my favorite playlist, I managed to drop my house keys out of my pocket. Because I walking and listening to music, I only discovered this after I returned from my 4mi. walk! As you can see below, I retraced my steps like 3 different times. I realized that someone had picked them up early into my search… I was annoyed that someone would do that. I learned a valuable lesson. If you find keys or important things like that…Leave them! The owner will attempt to retrace their steps and if you pick them up they won’t be able to find them!
I put 12 mi. on my feet trying to find them! I was just so focused on finding them. I got a verbal bashing several times for being such an idiot and losing the keys… All day, I heard about how stupid I am.
Long story short, I posted about losing the keys on our community Facebook page. Sure enough, an older lady in the neighborhood had picked them up while walking her pooch. I am so grateful to have found them! That will teach me to stuff my pockets with water, keys and tissues… oh well, I got some good exercise.
The storms made a real mess out of the backyard so I spent a morning and afternoon in yard clean up.
The winter grass died and we didn’t reseed this year with Bermuda… we can reseed at the end of this month when the night time temps begin to get cooler. Looking forward to cooler temps and patio dwelling! This little gal loves eating Korean food. She has grown to love spicy food. Here is one of my favorites, a Korean pancake. We grabbed a bite Friday night.
I’m going to bake something for Labor Day. I’ll have to dig around and see what I can come up with. I hope you have a spectacular holiday!
Meanwhile, I’m going to focus on the “Win”. Those things that your spirit acknowledges you can do. Accomplishment feels good when you can get it. “All you’ve got to do is, win… Here are the lyrics for “Win”.
Me, I hope that I’m crazy I feel you driving and you’re only the wheel Slow down, let someone love you Oh, I’ve never touched you since I started to feel If there’s nothing to hide me Then you’ve never seen me hanging naked and wired Somebody lied, I say it’s hip To be alive Now your smile is spreading thin Seems you’re trying not to lose Since I’m not supposed to win All you’ve got to do is win That’s all you gotta do (ooh, it ain’t over) Me, I’m fresh on your pages Secret thinker sometimes listening aloud Life lies dumb on its heroes Wear your wound with honor, make someone proud Someone like you should not be allowed To start any fires Now your smile is spreading thin Seems you’re trying not to lose Since I’m not supposed to win All you’ve got to do is win That’s all you gotta do (ooh, it ain’t over) Now your smile is spreading thin Seems you’re trying not to lose Since I’m not supposed to win All you’ve got to do is win That’s all you gotta do (all you got to do is win) Now your smile is spreading thin (seek and believe in you) Seems you’re trying not to lose (it ain’t over, no no) Since I’m not supposed to grin (that’s all you got to do) All you’ve got to do is win (it ain’t over, no, oh) (Seek and believe in you) All you’ve got to do is win (it ain’t over, no, no) Woo hooh, all you’ve got Is all you’ve got (It ain’t over) It ain’t over
This has a new vibe for me. I think I’ll dedicate this to my father Bobby… his family was from Muskogee, Oklahoma. He however, was born in Bakersfield, CA.
The lyrics fit well… Although I didn’t write the lyrics, I have always been drawn to them! Now, it makes sense to me.
I hope that wherever he is in the afterlife, he knows that I now know of him! I also hope to be able to meet him when my time on earth is done here. I’m thinking maybe he didn’t even know of me?
Meanwhile I have plenty of bucket list dreams to conquer and achieve…
To take a look and walk away Isn’t a stand, man To speak the words that everyone’s heard Isn’t the way, man- Everybody knows, All things must come and go but You know like I know that Everything’s gonna be alright People just come and go They don’t know what’s right Till they’re gone. Your sun will rise and set today Just don’t you worry And everything will come your way Just don’t you hurry- Take a little time And find you some peace of mind then You’ll know like I know that Everything’s gonna be alright People just come and go They don’t know what’s right Till they’re gone
Filling my days and nights with domesticity. Not that it is appreciated. You know the saying, no good deed goes unpunished? People pleasing doesn’t serve me well here! Neither do old notions, and family dynamics. Living with an angry person for many years, takes a toll. I could never have imagined how difficult marriage could be… I’ve reached a point within myself that I realize that I’m not able to succeed in this job. It’s a losing proposition. You can’t change people. They are who they want to be. When they impose their anger on you for the most ridiculous things, it’s time to do something else! I didn’t sign up for being a punching bag. Verbal or physical, it doesn’t matter, I’m out! I’ve been out for a long time. I removed myself in spirit, long ago! I’ve held up my obligations to the family and it’s been an all consuming job. I’ve done the best that I can. I get up every day and I say, “I’m going to do the best that I can with this day!” I can hear Dr. Phil say, “How’s that working for ya?”
I got that off of my chest. I wrote this song some years ago, and I’m still sitting in the same vantage point.
My daughter moved into her first apartment. She and 3 of her besties. She is starting her sophomore year at ASU. I’m hoping for the best for her as it is a lot of responsibility for all of these kids! She has resumed her job working at a campus Starbucks. She will be busy this year!
My furniture has blankets on it because my border collie jumps on it lol. Her nails could rip the heck out of it. I love fall colors! I decorate for all of the seasons but I think fall, is my favorite.My cat boy loves to watch me craft. He is great company ❤️! For my dining room table.Pumpkin Pie is one of my favorite pies to make. I am a pumpkin spice lover. The colors and flavors of fall make me smile!
What would the notion of fall be without Pumpkin Pie? So, I made one. We have had a real monsoon season here in Phoenix this summer! A lot of storms and rain. I’m glad for all of this weather. I have enjoyed the thunder storms!
Degrees of relativity matter in DNA matching. Im finding that a great deal of detective work also goes into this science. My genealogist found the family I was in but first placed me with the older generation of them. So I was looking for my father in the wrong generation. I did finally find my biological father for sure! I’ve had a lot of help from two different genealogy experts. Their were enough people that had AncestryDNA tested in the two generations that I was able to pinpoint exactly who my Dad was.
My sister found the smoking gun through old newspaper clippings of mothers time in the Roseville Civic Theater. In the early 60’s, Mom was having the time of her life. She wrote musicals, acting, directing and designing sets. Fortunately, it wasn’t hard to pull the bits and pieces together… My bio father and my Mom co-directed and were heavily involved in the Roseville Civic Theater. Many productions together working side by side for years…He was 10 years younger than my Mom. He was 28 when I was born.
I wonder if he ever knew about me? He never had children and I was his only … Would he have wanted to know me? I sure inherited his curls…
The picture below really got me! It was the first picture that I saw of him. Here is a year book picture of my father Bobby… I saw so much of myself in him it made me cry! It was like looking in the mirror. It really was an uncanny mind blowing feeling to see the resemblance… I instantly felt as if I had really missed out on knowing him.
This is a pretty recent pic of me…Maybe you can’t see a resemblance? But I know it’s there! I have other pictures of myself that might be a closer resemblance but oh my goodness his image hit home!
What still resonates with me is how DNA can effect your life. Now, I know that both sides of my DNA were performers! They loved theater and performing. I now fully understand my musical side and my desire to perform. I’ve had a small, humble YouTube Channel for the past 8 years. My DNA match also explains why I’m not a shy person. I can talk to anyone about nearly everything. I’ve never been afraid to interview for a job. I always thought of it as just a conversation…
By the way, here is the link to my channel- Please stop by and say hi! Subscribe while you’re there, I appreciate your support.
Along this journey, I have found a whole gambit of emotions and nice people! It has been my full time job the past 2 or more weeks. I’ve been seeking out cousins and have talked to several of them. All but one of the conversations I have had, have been wonderful. I have learned so much about the family and the rich Native American History I am a part of. Everyone I have talked to is very happy and full of pride regarding our Native American ancestry. They have all encouraged me to join the tribe!
Unfortunately, the closest living person I could find to my dad was his wife’s niece. She at first seemed to be interested in our association. I’ve got to tell you that my vantage point in all of this, has been a humbling experience. I most assuredly came from a mistake/ error in judgment! I know this, my mother was married to the man I grew up calling Dad! So right away, I realized that it was going to be humbling at best to approach people and seek information. Talk about a vulnerable position?! Omg the humbling that comes from this kind of secret revelation is painful and daunting. The only reason I have persued this quest for info…I really wanted to know my father! It means a lot to me! All the information I can get about this man makes me understand myself a little more. How I grew up and the secrets that were kept explain a lot about my childhood and my mothers resentment toward me. She had to know I was Bobby’s child, I looked just like him! Maybe that is why she was lost in a bottle all through my childhood…
Anyway, my last exchange with this niece of my Dads wife, was the most telling and humbling of all. Agonizing to me actually. Brutal comes to mind… She treated me as if I were coming after his estate. She gave me some information but made it clear that she wanted no association with me. She didn’t even want to know my name. She kept saying “well I suppose you deserve to know that”, with a condescending and extremely dismissive tone and demeanor. Early on in the conversation she flat out said “their are no assets to be had here”. Omg I was so insulted at that inference ! I think I chuckled and informed her that I was looking for pictures and possibly some information about who he was as a person. But inside, I was crushed. She made sure to insult me and put me in my place a few more times during the curt, but informative exchange. At one time I tried to tell her that I think it’s interesting how DNA seems to carry over in hobbies and interests. I explained that I have a uncanny ability to play the piano without ever learning how to read music. She interrupted me with, “well they didn’t own a piano soooo no piano in their house to have”…omg I was floored by her assumptions and attitude!
My last question of her was about how he died. I wanted to know that for my own damn medical history! She said well, “I suppose you have a right to know that”. With such condescension she added “ Now that you have some information, it dead ends with me she said “ “They are dead and that’s too bad but it ends here ,with me” … I thanked her for her time and that was how we ended our chat. Awful!!! I kind of see where she might be coming from but did she have to be so cruel?? Horrid and left me a bit heartbroken. The harsh reality is though, that I really am at the end of my search. He had no other children I was the only….
I’m left feeling sad and like I have really missed out on knowing my father. I missed out! He may not of cared to know me but, I would have wanted to know him. He died at the young age of 67. He died on the very day that my youngest daughter was born! This, is her birthdate! I would have been miserably sad had I actually known him then. It was hard enough that I had just lost my Mom 2 months prior to his passing.
I’ve learned a lot about my Grandmother and Great Grandmother and their history. A lot of this has been a great American history lesson. I found out that the famous Cherokee Chief, John Ross, is my 5th generation grandfather!
Following in the footsteps of my descendants and ancestors, I will register with the tribe. That is my right, and a real privilege that I will take away from this staggering life experience. I will embrace this colorful history and revelation on my walk upon this earth. I may spend a day at the Rocklin Cemetery where so many of my relatives are buried. I’d like to visit the gravesites of this family I never got to know. I sure have heard a lot of wonderful things about my Grandmother Fay and my Great Grandmother Osa Ross Aday. Being a Gram myself of 8 grandkids, I can only hope to be remembered with such adoration ❤️. The love these cousins I talked to had for these two women, was absolutely heart warming!
I would so have enjoyed getting to know her. What a treasure she was! So loved! A grand pioneer! A Native American woman who married Luis Aday and had nine children! What a hard working woman who helped with raising some of her grandchildren. She was beloved by many. The matriarch who gave the family rich history, a lot of love and, her all! I’ve enjoyed learning about her immensely.
I’ll end this post with a link to a cover that means even more to me now. It probably sums up best this experience for me. So much loss and a really deep sadness have come from this as well. I’ve shed more tears over this. That is why I’m rather glad to be at the end of this journey.., I have so many questions I’ll never know the answers to! So many emotions that I’ll take to my grave about this one day… So vulnerable and so raw this experience… Ive been humbled to my core in all of this. It’s time to let go of the obsession and intense seeking. Thanks for taking the time to read my Blog! Leave me a message, please be kind.
